driving along a dark road in the woods, i was so much at home in the midst of all this green, chirping, rustling nature.� with the window rolled down and the breeze so loud, covering up the sounds of stephin merritt on the stereo, i was so far away from any of my worldly concerns.� then in a split second the wind and stephin merritt both flew away into a black hole vaguely resembling an existentialist void, as a deer ran out into the road.� my first instinct was to stomp on the brake.� the deer's first instinct was to stand there and stare at the headlights.� neither of us did our part quite well enough, because the deer lay broken on the pavement.� i pulled the car off onto the shoulder, and then got the flashlight out of the trunk of the car, and dragged the deer back into the forest.� without a shovel, the best i could do was to use a fallen tree branch to dig a shallow grave in the soft earth, dump the roadkill in, and cover it up.� i piled rocks on top, to try to stop scavengers from digging it up and devouring it.� just out of respect.� you know?� my hands and pants were stained with blood.� needless to say, the evening had finished on an unfortunate and completely unexpected note.� my remorse knows no boundaries.

p.s. okay, i can't relay this blatant fabrication with a straight face.� i didn't really run over a deer.� it was actually a bum, and it happened in downtown san francisco at about 2am in the morning.� i saw a herd of bums on the sidewalk near the embarcadero center and thought "awwwwwwww, SO CUTE!!� i wish i could take one home."� and while i was distracted, i accidentally ran one over.� i stuffed him in the trunk of my car, drove out of the city, and stopped for a very brief moment on the bay bridge.� just long enough to get out and toss the dead bum off the side of the bridge, into the bay.� i made sure to search his pockets for spare change and cigarettes, too, before sending him for an eternal "adult swim."� strangely enough, i didn't feel especially guilty about the whole incident.