i refuse to have one more sleepless night�
i refuse to let a tear fall from my eye
i refuse to continue to try

after i made a mighty attempt to kick it right past life's vigilant goalie, the bucket of despair strikes back.

i'm skipping ashtray boy and the fairways tonight.� i'm kind of in a foul mood anyway.� right in the thick of writing about aaliyah in yesterday's entry, i found out that she died.� how fucking creepy,� how fucking sad.� just the day before, we listened to her whole album in the car, and i was trying to explain why that one song had the most right-on admirable sentiment and why it came off like these manifestos i used to write about liberation from social baggage and lovesickness, and why i thought it fit so well right between the divine comedy's "if..." and the smiths' "last night i dreamt that somebody loved me."� and how i got a ticket to see belle & sebastian but i don't really even like them that much and i'd a million times more rather see aaliyah in concert. and now she's gone.� bleh.� so much for picking out your new heroes and thinking about their words and looking forward to whatever they'll do next.� because she's not going to do anything next.